Heart Route: requiem

Mom, mom, mom…why won’t you land in my head? Things landed in your head…so why not mine? Why did you make me so different than you? Why did you allow me to know about that difference? Was I so dim that you couldn’t trust me with your visions? With the torture of your voices? I bow like a new acolyte at the alter of the madness that you intimated at when we were alone. I struggle against the current of your unfathomability.

Oh mystery! Oh Mother of mystery. Why did you leave me here without answers? Why? Today you have been dead for four years… I have been dead for thirty-three…to what end? I ask a moldering ghost…to what end? My tongue bleeds from years of being bitten. Despite my story telling, the truth eludes me gratefully, and maddeningly. And I am mad, like you, but my wounds are different. They are kin nonetheless.

Now I shave off another year and place it in some unknown place that will bite me when I dare to be happy. I love you. As always I love your sadness as my own. As my own muse. Break this little man to pieces and I will recognize your love. A far cry from a dream. My life with your wonder. A cipher of a teacher. My path winds through depths I will likely never understand. A legacy of fallibility. Enabled by a damaged man. I love you…yes. Nonetheless.

Now I listen to Reich and Ligeti's chorals as if they bled from your head when I was a with you.